Can someone review my college admissions essay?

It sounds good, although in college admissions personal essays, you don't have to talk about what you plan on doing or what you've done. They can see that when they look at your transcript. It might be better if you took out the parts where you talk about what you plan on doing. It's good that you lay out your accomplishments, but I think there might be too many moments where you're trying to sell yourself, when it might be better to jus focus on the stories about how you've sacrificed and made yourself become strong and let those stories speak for themselves.